another day

i went to Westfield with a friend for a couple of hours today. we talked about depression a lot, and feeling hopeless, and tried to convince each other why we shouldn't feel that way. it didn't work. i actually feel more desperate now than i did yesterday. i thought about going home earlier to see my 3 year old cousin, because she's the only person in my family who likes me and i love her. i can't face the rest of my family, though. i don't know when i'll see or speak to any of them again.

i've been thinking about going to another country for a while. to a hostel, and i will be somebody completely different and try to leave all this shit behind. i probably won't do anything, though. i'm so tired again now. it's like i lost all my energy overnight. and i'm sick. there's a lot of blood in the back of my throat, i soak through any shirt i put on in 5 minutes and i ache everywhere. i feel like i'm dying. i feel just the way i did the last 18 months, only now i don't have my girlfriend, or anyone else.

i have this site bookmarked, lostallhope.com, that gives practical advice on suicide. it says jumping in front of a train is fatal almost all the time, but i don't know if that's only including statistics from suicides who jumped in front of trains over a certain speed. i remember watching The Bridge, a documentary about suicides on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and they film several people jumping. i couldn't look away but it was one of the saddest things i've ever seen.

tomorrow afternoon i have a therapy session.