i've been around shitty people far too much in my life. my family, most of the friends i've had and lost, my peers at school... wall-to-wall cunts. is it any surprise that i'm a pretty bad human being deep down? it's not, and people keep excusing my behaviour/personality because of it, but it is just an excuse. ultimately i can decide to act or not act on my impulses and i invariably make the wrong decision. not even wrong in terms of outcome but morally wrong. i am not a good person.

having said that! i've been having a good time recently by being around people who are the complete opposite of shitty. i judge people straight away and those judgements rarely, if ever, change over time. they're almost always right. i can't actually think of someone i misjudged, ever.

i'm wary of writing anything personal on the internet now. a couple of weeks ago in Brick Lane somebody recognised me from 4chan while i was in a really bad mood and just wanted to be left alone. he had this ugly sarcastic smirk and talked to me like we'd known each other forever; stepped all over my boundaries and really bummed me out for the rest of the day. it made me realise that during the worst period of my life (mid 2010 to early 2012) i'd been talking to a lot of people i wouldn't even humour with smalltalk.

i still go to the gym a few times a week. i went hungover about 5 days ago. that was dreadful. then i went yesterday after a few days' absence, still recovering from the weekend's unprecedented drug use. that's not very interesting, though. i've really lost interest in the gym; i only go to maintain an athletic shape now, and my diet is all about keeping calories low while eating whatever i like to keep a good sixpack.

i NEED to have sex with somebody who isn't my ex-girlfriend pretty soon. i'm actually around really fit girls a lot now, but i'm not one of those guys who girls look at when i enter a room. or, maybe i am, but not for the reasons i want. it's really hard. i'm in pretty intimate situations with girls sometimes but i don't want to embarrass myself by trying to push it further and being rejected, you know? at a party last weekend i took pictures of this, uh, sexually liberated young lady on her back with her legs wide open, then we gave each other massages. if i describe that to you you might imagine something could have happened, but definitely definitely not. i'm not like a catalyst for this sort of behaviour, it just happens around me and i happen to be there and i'm not so disgusting that my presence alone is enough to kill it. wow that sounds pathetic.