i'm in a slight rut. Sunday was awful; i didn't actually realise it was a trance night and it looked like all of Essex had turned out. i split a gram of some dreadful crushed up amphetamine bought from a sketchy cunt  with my mates and didn't feel much of anything but awake. i definitely wasn't feeling the music or the people.

the day before that i hung out with another guy i haven't seen in a couple of years, which was good. his girlfriend is cool too. i like hanging out with couples. i feel like i have all these people in my life i can occasionally spend a day with but no real... friends. i'm okay though. my therapist is away this week so i didn't have that today. i'm so bored during the day i end up wandering around Westfield or going into central for no particular reason. it costs a fortune to travel in London.

i asked someone i know about Amsterdam (he lives there) and he said he'd go out and party with me. maybe i should just go to Amsterdam for a week. i have some stuff on the horizon to look forward to but i feel myself slipping away a little every time i have an empty day.

today i did a pretty stupid thing. i went back to Meatliquor knowing that waitress would be working. i just wanted to know how she'd react. she acted like nothing had happened; just smiled and said hello. she remembered my name at least. when i was done eating she tried to chat to me but i wasn't expecting it and came off looking moody and resentful, which she made fun of.

the french girl i met a couple of weeks ago apparently DID like me and wants to go out again. i can't fucking work out women at all.