i've been around shitty people far too much in my life. my family, most of the friends i've had and lost, my peers at school... wall-to-wall cunts. is it any surprise that i'm a pretty bad human being deep down? it's not, and people keep excusing my behaviour/personality because of it, but it is just an excuse. ultimately i can decide to act or not act on my impulses and i invariably make the wrong decision. not even wrong in terms of outcome but morally wrong. i am not a good person.
having said that! i've been having a good time recently by being around people who are the complete opposite of shitty. i judge people straight away and those judgements rarely, if ever, change over time. they're almost always right. i can't actually think of someone i misjudged, ever.
i'm wary of writing anything personal on the internet now. a couple of weeks ago in Brick Lane somebody recognised me from 4chan while i was in a really bad mood and just wanted to be left alone. he had this ugly sarcastic smirk and talked to me like we'd known each other forever; stepped all over my boundaries and really bummed me out for the rest of the day. it made me realise that during the worst period of my life (mid 2010 to early 2012) i'd been talking to a lot of people i wouldn't even humour with smalltalk.
i still go to the gym a few times a week. i went hungover about 5 days ago. that was dreadful. then i went yesterday after a few days' absence, still recovering from the weekend's unprecedented drug use. that's not very interesting, though. i've really lost interest in the gym; i only go to maintain an athletic shape now, and my diet is all about keeping calories low while eating whatever i like to keep a good sixpack.
i NEED to have sex with somebody who isn't my ex-girlfriend pretty soon. i'm actually around really fit girls a lot now, but i'm not one of those guys who girls look at when i enter a room. or, maybe i am, but not for the reasons i want. it's really hard. i'm in pretty intimate situations with girls sometimes but i don't want to embarrass myself by trying to push it further and being rejected, you know? at a party last weekend i took pictures of this, uh, sexually liberated young lady on her back with her legs wide open, then we gave each other massages. if i describe that to you you might imagine something could have happened, but definitely definitely not. i'm not like a catalyst for this sort of behaviour, it just happens around me and i happen to be there and i'm not so disgusting that my presence alone is enough to kill it. wow that sounds pathetic.
Dude you could really benefit from watching SimplePickup. I think you mentioned here or on fitocracy that you hate PUA type stuff but they're just about good simple advice. For example, your problem with taking advantage of intimate situations is covered here:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6Ay_Fwl_0E&feature=plcp
the rest of their videos are good too, they've been promoting their new site a lot lately but there's still tons of free content and they're going to keep releasing more
good tips. at the parties i go to girls are really physical straight away but i'm not used to it so i can't tell when it's just a girl who wants a massage because she's out of her head on MD or if she's actually interested and i should take it further. basically i suck shit at reading social cues
ReplyDeleteMate, you reckon you're a bad person but then you show evidence that you act like a proper gentleman around ladies. I know people - and I'm sure you do too - that would force themselves on the girls in the situations that you describe. The fact that you don't means that you're not a cunt and as for the blokes that do - they're either too stupid to think about things much or they a lot one their conscience.
ReplyDeleteI reckon that there's only 3 ways to go with girls:
1) Push them hard into things quickly (an risk feeling like a dick and causing drama)
2) Take things slow and tease them and yourself a bit (risk feeling like a pussy)
3) You have chemistry straight away and its all good (fucking rare)
Just have patience, it's the best way. But I would say that wouldn't I? Because that's how I do. And it does piss me off when I see shitty blokes getting way more play than me, but I wouldn't want to fake myself out just to join them. Would you?
thank you, man, that's a really kind thing to say. maybe everybody half-decent thinks they're a bad person. my grandmother thinks she's a wonderful person and she's a bitter misanthrope who drove everyone in her life away.
ReplyDeleteit doesn't reflect well on the world that today you're considered a gentleman if you don't rape a girl while she's on drugs. because i do take as much advantage of these situations as i can without forcing it. there are guys (pussies) who wouldn't even be in those situations because it's not "right" or whatever.
Your paragraph on the 4chan freak reminds me of a Big L line:
ReplyDelete"And I hate when strange niggas wanna talk all day,
Clown ass shit, hate to be around that shit
You don't know me, just say "What's up" give me a pound that's it"
IMO, if a girl is physical with you, she wants something, and even if you screw it up, she's just a random person at a party. Failure means nothing. Its like the above poster was saying, those Simple Pickup guys, they fail a lot, but they don't let it phase them. And neither can you.
I don't want to get all hypocritical and act as though I know you, but you seem like a cool guy. You read, so you at least have some substance. You have varied interests and an active social life. That's what most people aspire to.
A psychologist once told me that, if you think you might be a bad person, and if you are at least concerned by that, if probably aren't half as bad as you think you are.
ReplyDeleteThat said some of the stuff you do comes across as kinda bad.
As for the guy from 4chan, I used to really dig the internet because I thought it was such a great leveler. Like nobody cared about looks or how popular someone was like they did when i was in secondary school, and I liked that. But idk, now it just seems like a lot of the time its just a place where people can run their mouths without ever having to have their ideas come into contact with reality.
Alpha in training:
ReplyDeleteI geniuely don't think its realistic to not be phrased by rejection. Anyway unless your hitting on totally random girls, word kinda gets out if you keep creeping on a lot of girls. Basically if you aren't like, at least caring some about being rejected you probably come across as a bit weird or insincere. Its normal for people to be a bit worried at least, so its just going to look either cocky or aspie as fuarck
You're right about a large proportion of the population being absolute cunts. Since leaving university, I simply cut these people out of my life.. feels good.
ReplyDeleteTiny, you're incredibly smart man, you're really in touch with reality which isn't very common. I hope you know this.
Come back to /fit/ brah
ReplyDeletewe miss you
if i saw you on the street i'd probably wave at you, i wouldn't try to talk to you... maybe offer you a spliff or something.
ReplyDeleteyou're a good guy though, don't let others bring you down.
Are u alive Alex?
ReplyDeleteWe still love you tiny
ReplyDeleteI really hope you come back. Either to /fit/ or to your blog. Your life sounds so similar to mine.
ReplyDeleteI hope the fact that you are not posting means that you've got your life in order and you are too busy with being social.
If not, the following on your blog are here for you.
All the best.
You're right about a large proportion of the population being absolute cunts. Since leaving university, I simply cut these people out of my life.. feels good. official website
ReplyDelete