this will be hard to write because i didn't go to bed until 4.30 and i am really hungover.

last night i was supposed to be going out with my friends for a girl's birthday, but she cancelled our plans at the last minute so i was left with nothing to do on a Saturday night. however! my French flatmates were going out in Angel to meet a friend of hers (a French girl) and she invited me with them.

this was pretty fucking special, honestly. the French guy sat on the end of our group all night silently, looking miserable and mumbling one or two words every few minutes, while I entertained both his girlfriend and the new girl. who i really like, actually. i tried pretty hard. i talked to her for most of the night, i put my arm around her, held her hand, made sure to talk to the other two a bit so the focus wasn't solely on her, etc.

then towards the end of the night i find out she has some boyfriend in Paris she's going to see next week, and she wouldn't come home with me. fuck my life! i asked my flatmate (the girl) and she said she likes me, and she wants to break it off with her boyfriend, but i guess fucking a guy you just met when you're seeing your longterm boyfriend the next week is probably a line a lot of people won't cross. nevertheless, she is coming round today and i'll see what happens.

her name is Marie.

i am a cunt

so i posted something about girls on my Fitocracy and a guy i don't remember gave me a link to this Real Social Dynamics torrent. i am very dismissive of this type of thing; i associate it strongly with dickheads, but i swallowed my pride and gave it a look because i want to keep an open mind. and so far (it's bloody long; i watched a couple of hours) it's actually quite enlightening, since it's all about being happy with yourself and attracting people by having fun. i saw some of this stuff on VH1 or MTV years ago, and there was a giant douchebag in a top hat and leather trousers making a cunt of himself in front of the world. maybe this will develop into that as i watch more but so far i'm digging the self-help stuff. it's a shame the guy looks like a fat Billy Ray Cyrus but hey, whatever works.

what i found really interesting is how closely what he says mirrors my own experience with girls (and probably everyone else's, which is why it sells), right down to making an analogy between getting better at being social and lifting weights. i dedicated a lot of my life to getting good at weightlifting, and i am good at it, and people notice and know that i'm good at it, and compliment me on it. i want to apply that commitment to sorting out my social skills, because i know they need a lot of work. it's not really my fault -- i had a shit beginning in life, i was raised by people who never let me forget they weren't my parents and never made me feel welcome, i went to a horrible secondary school full of snobby, entitled, middle-class Essex pricks and had no friends, then i got bloody married and ran away to America. i'm literally starting from scratch here. but i'm not dead yet, and 26 isn't that old.

the unseasonal heat wave of the last few days has gone, and England is back to its grey, cold, windy self. which is depressing.

maybe everybody feels this alone? how can i even know that? i have no real relationships in my life any more, just people i know. and not many of them.

the Odd Future gig sucked. i'm really depressed now. it was full of white teenage shitheads getting into fights and being arseholes because they're listening to black people rap in Brixton. i felt embarrassed to be there and had a miserable time. the girls were nice to look at, but i can look at girls anywhere.

this will be a long dark night of the soul. i was in a bad mood earlier too, but i snapped myself out of it a little. i wanted to go home to see my cousin tomorrow but it means talking to the rest of my family, so that's probably not going to happen. i might go to Meatliquor to see if that girl acts like she doesn't even know me. why do i still care about that? because no other girl has given me any attention since her. are these real problems? they feel real to me; i know i have money and freedom, but the only thing i really want is to meet girls, so the money and time don't mean a lot to me.

i finally went to the gym today. first time in about two weeks, i think. i was going to lift yesterday but two of my friends came and stayed at my flat for a while, then i went out with one of them for drinks. it was alright. typical gym dickheads everywhere. every time i work out it reminds me why i didn't follow through with the PT thing.

tonight there's an Odd Future gig in Brixton. the same two guys and i are going to try and get tickets outside, because it sold out in about 5 minutes. their new album came out a week ago and i just got it from my mate last night. it is pretty fucking good. check out these songs: Forest Green, Rella, Oldie.

confidence has dipped a little today. i really need to at least go on a date with or kiss a new girl. it's all well and good going to parties and feeling girls up but that's not the same as getting laid. and i do need that validation and reassurance. i am a delicate little thing.

the Polish girl brought me home some cake, which is adorable, but then i sent a flirty text suggesting we share them tomorrow with a winky smile and she sent back this stoic Eastern European gibberish: "As you remember I am on a permanent diet and can't eat at night. That is why don't worry about me. Have a good day." yeah, cheers! time to give up on that one, probably.

the Polish girl stayed up until 1 a.m. with me talking last night. not a big deal in and of itself, but she gets up for work at 7... and she's always in bed by 10. when i walked in on her, she was talking to her mum on Skype. her mum said i'm her type in Polish (she translated) and they both giggled. it was going so well and she sat next to me, but then the French couple asked if they could take a joint's worth from me (which they always fucking do, and never repay it, because only English people have any manners) and for some stupid reason i insisted they could but only if they sat in the kitchen with us (because i fancy his girlfriend and he's a dork).

after that the Polish girl stayed with me and talked, but it felt a little different. she's very disapproving of drugs, which i get: she's from a traditional country. i asked her out but i dunno if we'll actually do anything. awkward!

oh! before i went to bed she made a joke about the time and said she'd wake me up at 7 so i'd know how she feels tomorrow morning. i said she can come into my room any time she wants and she was like "LOL you wish". but in a cute way, you know! it's banter.

i talked about the party a little bit on Fitocracy, and extensively in therapy this afternoon, but i'll write a bit here while it's relatively fresh in my mind. it was pretty crazy; girls were getting naked everywhere, people having sex in the middle of the floor, i got to feel a pretty hot girl's tits on the floor (which didn't escalate because i have no idea how to do that) and a reaaaaally hot girl's arse in a pub before the party even started. it got gatecrashed by some horrible people from Angel who really killed the atmosphere by harassing the girls and being generally unpleasant. it kicked off a couple of times. some guy stomped someone in the face for talking shit about him, apparently.

the best thing about the party was seeing my friend, who i lost touch with for a good couple of years during my depressed recluse period. this guy is maybe the most interesting person i know, both in terms of life experience and the conversations i can have with him, and he makes me feel comfortable all the time and looks out for me. he spent most of his night at the party introducing me to everyone and getting girls to feel my stomach, because that's what he does. his new girlfriend, who i had never met before, is amazing. the kind of girl i hope i can marry someday. i guess my friend talked me up to her a lot because she was immediately so familiar and affectionate (even before the MDMA!). it's weird; in this situation, ordinarily i would fall in love with the girl and hate myself, but maybe because i love being with them both so much and they're obviously so happy together, i'm actually happy for them.

but the best part of the weekend was still her cuddling on my lap back at their flat (non-sexual). oh, i carried her part of the way home on my back too, which made me feel pretty manly.

adjusting to regular life after a weekend like that is very hard for me, because it's still such a new experience. i definitely need a job; i'm bored and restless all the time now, and i can't keep still.